The Explanation Part 2

I explained my reasoning for starting this incredibly depressing yet hopeful blog, i thought I’d explain the name of it as well considering I would be the only one to fully understand it without an explanation. I am going to go through each word and that way the whole title will make sense (Family Systems Theory- a person cannot be understood as an individual rather than a part of a system).

ABNORMALLY- If you know me it goes without saying that I am abnormal person in any way you can imagine. I drink my drinks weird (drives my mom crazy), I talk louder than most, I think in a different perspective than anyone i know, one foot is bigger than the other and my eyes are only sometime 20/20. I was born with an insane amount of hair during a snow storm in Anchorage, Alaska and have had more grandpas than I can count on one hand. I still sleep with a blanket that I received from my grandma when I was 2. I never wear matching socks (we waste too much of the little amount of time we have on this planet matching socks when they aren’t even seen). The list is endless. One would think that the word abnormal comes with negative connotation but when I hear the word all I think of are the endless possibilities. Abnormal people change the world- they force people to move towards a better way of thinking and a more progressive future. It isn’t the normal people who make a difference in this world, its the abnormal people. The people who sit in the back of the class drawing anime cartoons, the people who go home and work on robots, the people who take as many art credits as they can because thats where they feel the most at home… those people have something that no one else has- individuality. I am proud of my abnormalness, and I think everyone else who is abnormal should hold onto what makes them abnormal and never let go, because thats whats going to make them thrive in todays world.

DELICATE- Of course, it wouldn’t be a Lacey post without mentioning something thats wrong with me. Like I have mentioned i previous posts, I live with depression and anxiety. I am not secretive about this in fact I am quite the opposite. I wish I could share it with the world really. Why? Thats a story for another post. The fact of the matter is living with these disorders makes me incredibly emotionally unstable at certain times. And even when I’m not going through my so called “rough patches” I still am emotionally delicate. Delicate. Its such a graceful word. It has a connotation of being a lady-like word. In this case it means exactly what the more was meant to describe… easily broken or damaged; fragile. I cry very easily and I’m not ashamed to admit that. I have a abnormally (theres that word again) strong sense of empathy that I think is unique to me as an individual which I like about myself, but it also gets out of control sometimes. My mom and grandma are the same way; I don’t have any doubt that theres a genetic component there. Aside from being emotionally delicate however, I am also physically delicate as well. For as long as I can remember doctors have been trying to figure out what my problem is. Its been sickness after sickness after sickness, with random pain thrown in here and there. I bruise easily. So much as a poke in the arm can hurt me. Of course this hasn’t always been this extreme, its progressively gotten worse. Around the time I was diagnosed with depression my physical illness got worse than it ever had before, but it was brushed off by doctors as a stress symptom from everything I had been going through. I found out years later that I have arthritis and fibromyalgia. Two problems in which someone as young as me shouldn’t have to be dealing with- but still, it was nice to put a name on the problem. For a while before I was diagnosed I thought I was going crazy because all the tests turned back negative for everything else. In case you didn’t know, you can’t diagnose fibromyalgia because it cannot be detected on any scans they do or any tests they take. So everything came back to them clean yet I was still having problems when I shouldn’t have been in any pain… yeah, try telling me you wouldn’t go crazy too and think it was all in your head. So with my diagnosis came a sense of relief. My arthritis wasn’t going to be a major problem until I was older, it was just going to be harder for me to bend down than other people my age. The fibromyalgia was another story. It was going to get worse with every passing year and there was nothing I could do but take pain meds to stifle the pain as much as possible. I held out on the medication for as long as I could (I didn’t want to spend my whole life depending on medication to make me feel better so I thought I would deal with it as long as I could) but there came a point where it hurt so bad all I could do was lay in bed and cry for hours. I couldn’t continue feeling this way while I was attending a university, it was interrupting my learning as well as my social life. So I gave in. The muscle relaxers are a softer medication so I don’t have to take the hard stuff until I’m older. They help a little, at least they keep the tears down. But it hurts every day now. If delicate doesn’t describe me at this point, I don’t know what will.

CELEBRATOR- Needless to say I have quite the issues. Mentally and physically. We have come to the conclusion that I am both abnormal and delicate. Both words seem to fit together. But celebrator? It is definitely the outlier of the three words. Well heres a curveball- I am also unpredictable. Just when you thought all I had to say was depressing shit and more depressing shit, I hit you with a happy word. There are no tricks here- I mean for this word to be happy. See, with everything that has happened to me in the 19 years of living on this planet I have learned one great important lesson: You must celebrate what you take for granted so you don’t lose sight of whats really important and what really means the most to you. I have a wonderful like full of people who love me, I like to think they would miss me if I left this word unexpectedly. The fact that I even woke up this morning is a blessing in itself. Some people never do- like my friend and exboyfriend Elliott Bell. He was always a troubled kid. Since the day I met him i knew exactly what we had in common- we both had that darkness in the core of our being., Except his was much larger and darker than mine. One day he decided enough was enough and that was that. He was gone. I realized then that I was tired of seeing darkness surrounding my world. I want to help others like others have helped me. I want to be the support system for people that don’t have one. I want to celebrate success in conquering depression, not mourning another friend that has been conquered by it. I want to spend the rest my life rejoicing about the fact that I have a life by saving others lives. I want to celebrate delicious coffee and warm fires and TV shows that make me laugh and peppermint patties and my baby cousins giggles and soft cats… I want to be a celebrator.

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One comment

  1. sammieleelee · December 22, 2014

    We are so similar it’s insane. The whole time I was reading, I was thinking “She gets it. We should be friends!” You are such a strong person. I seriously can relate and I admire that you’re brave enough to share all of this!

    Like

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