“I’m doing this to get over my own mind. This has nothing to do with you. I love you and it has nothing to do with me not loving you.”

Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned by someone you thought you would never have to live without? Its a fear I’ve had ever since I can remember. I’ve worried about my friends leaving, my family leaving, and, especially, Sam leaving me. For 4 years he has been by my side and loved me harder than anyone else ever has. He is the only person I truly believe would never hurt me intentionally. But if you know me you know that i come with a whole lotta baggage. 19 years worth and issues. Doctor visits, therapists, spiraling depression- and thats only half of it. I thought I was blessed with a miracle that was Sam Davis. To be frank he’s one of the only reasons I believe there is a God. God sent him to me to keep me alive and healthy and loved. And for almost four years he has been doing just that. Yes, we’ve had our hiccups. But never anything that lasted more than a day. We pride ourselves on having the kind of relationship where communication is the least of our worries. We’re the super couple- the couple that knows how to do a relationship right. But even the best of couples can withstand doubtful minds.

Being a couple thats been together through high school and now into college isn’t the easiest of all things. Where people had time to be single and get to know themselves, we were spending snuggling, going out to dinner and laughing about our future together. I was so happy to be in a committed relationship… Sam treats me like I’m a princess. I have what every girl wants. But college can do weird things to your mind. One day your living under your parents roof and have little to no responsibilities. The next day your on your own with a million and one responsibilities. You have to make yourself get up for school, you have to decide how late you can stay up, and you have to remember to eat, do your laundry, dishes, vacuum… the list goes on. On top of all that, keeping a relationship when you have to learn how to be independent is hard. College is about finding yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to be in ten years? Let me tell you, when you’ve been answering all those questions for years with your boyfriend in every single answer, its hard to picture any other future. Now we’re here, surrounded by people doing just that (finding themselves) and neither one of us can help but wonder who we would be without each other. Would I be a different person? Would he? Would we be better or worse off without each other? These are questions every couple in college asks themselves. That is completely normal… even healthy. But doubt is when things get sticky. See, I’ve had things questions in my head and have brought them up to Sam every single time (cause we’re excellent at communicating, right?) and have talked it out every single time. I would never leave Sam. I am more independent with him than I would be without him (look up the dependency paradox if you think this is an odd statement). I thrive with him by my side. The thought of him not being in my life is way worse than anything. However, I may be alone in this way of thinking.

Today was just like any normal day with us. Tonight we went to the Cougar basketball game together and it was a good time. We walked to the cafe to get some food before heading up to my room to watch Tarzan like we had planned earlier. All was well! We were snuggling and laughing and having a good time… and then all of the sudden he asks me if I’ve ever thought about what life would be like if we weren’t together and if I’ve ever thought about taking a break from our relationship. WHOOOAAA. That came out of no where. For the next hour we sat on my bed discussing how he felt. I cried the entire time. There was a steady stream of tears running down my face as I clutched the bear he gave me for valentines day. Was he breaking up with me? I didn’t understand. Just an hour ago we were happy. At least I was.

He says he wants a break. At least three weeks. My world is spinning and I don’t even remember a lot of what he said. He just kept on saying he didn’t want to hurt me, that this has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with his doubtful mind. I could tell this wasn’t an easy decision for him to make. So I tell him, “I’m going to be hurt by this. But if this is what you want and is going to ease your mind I will do it for you.” He leaves, and I’m curled up in a ball on my bed, bawling my eyes out. Then I can’t breathe. I’m standing, pacing around my room, hyperventilating and trying to decide what to do next. Suddenly he’s back through the door and holding me as I sob into his chest and his face is buried in my head. “I don’t know how I thought I could do it for three weeks when I can’t even make it two hours without you.” At this point I’m feeling two things: Relieved and pissed as hell. I’ve never been so happy to have him come back in my life, but I was pissed at him for putting me through this for nothing. And then I think to myself, I  swear to God if he has just come back to put me through this again I’m not going to be happy. So I say that. I tell him that he needs to make up his damn mind before I lose mine. So he does. He tells me that he just wants a week now. Just a week. Not three. Not a month. Just a week. He says,”I’m doing this to get over my own mind. This has nothing to do with you. I love you and it has nothing to do with me not loving you. Talk to you in a week.” And leaves again. I stand there for a bit, shocked that he did in fact do it to me again… sit down and start bawling again, but this time was different. This was an angry cry. How could he do this to me TWICE? Give me hope just to take it away again. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing- that I will learn something about myself from all of this- but nothing ever seems good when Sam isn’t in my life.

This may seem so silly to anyone else. A week? Whats a week compared to years? Its not the week I’m worried about, its what happens after the week is over. I’m terrified he’s going to want more time. Then more time. And more and more time until he finally decides that he’s better off without me. After all, I’m the needy one in this relationship. He’s always the one taking care of me. What if he finds out that he would prefer not to have someone hold him down anymore. The reason this is so upsetting is because it feels like I’ve always, in the back of my mind, been waiting for him to realize he doesnt need me and this relationship isn’t worth it. It makes sense. I’m a lot of work.

So here I am… writing down my feelings because its the only way to keep me sane. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m lost. But I can tell you one thing- I will not be the one to give in first. I will not call him, text him, or show up at his place. If this is what he wants than he’s going to fucking get it. I hope whatever he gets from this is worth all the pain he’s putting me through.

What It’s Really Like To Be Chronically Ill

Couldn’t have said it better.

Thought Catalog

Society’s recent obsession with cancer stories and movies like The Fault in Our Stars made me realize that the average person doesn’t know what it’s really like to be sick. Chronically sick. What it’s like to wake up every morning and know you’re never going to get better. No amount of medicine, doctors, surgeries, and procedures can fix you.

I think the reason why people today love to hear about cancer stories is because they are just that. They are stories. They have a beginning, middle, and an end. While that end may not be a happy one, people are satisfied with closure. But my story doesn’t have an end. And people don’t seem to like stories without an ending.

Being sick isn’t as glamorous as they make it out to be in the movies. And unlike cancer perks, there are no “chronic illness perks.” Except maybe those really good…

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Opa

Looking through some pictures today, I stumbled upon a picture of my opa (German for grandpa). He passed away right before I started my freshman year of high school due to stomach cancer. Its so strange how one day someone is so engraved in your every day living that you start to take for granted their presence, then they get sick and before you know it they’re gone forever… Years have passed and none of us have forgotten. The youngins (as he would have called them) either were too young to remember who he was, or were born after his passing. But for those of us who were very much there emotionally and physically, it is something that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. Have you ever watched someone slowly loose themselves in a fight against their own body? If you have you know exactly what I’m talking about; if you haven’t, then you probably will never understand until it happens to you. People try to bring up the “bright side” of the way he passed by pointing out that we got to say our goodbyes and that he has lived a happy, full life. As true as both those statements are it doesn’t take the sting away from watching the life drain our of him little by little each day.

I was in middle school when I had the most fun camping trip I had ever and would continue to have. It was us four (mom, dad, my brother and I) which wasn’t out of the usual, but what WAS out of the usual was the fact that my opa and oma decided to tag along in their trailer. My oma never went camping and still doesn’t to this day, so getting her out there with us was a big deal. We spent the camping trip fishing, making camp fires and roasting marshmallows… but my favorite part of the whole trip was when my opa and oma told me the story of how they met. It was a beautiful story full of everything you would need to make a movie: action, suspense, humor, romance… it had it all. They sat side by side as they went back and fourth in narrating, interrupting each other every now and again to add in some detail. I specifically remember they held hands the entire time. I think it was that night that I decided I was going to find a love just like theirs. They were in love back then- and 40 years later they were still together with 2 kids and 4 grandchildren. It was the perfect love story. I was completely emerged in it. However, everything isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. There was a reason they tagged along with us on the trip. They had an announcement for us, more specifically Reece and I considering my parents already knew. My opa looked at us right in the eye and said he was sick. He said that he was going to start having to take a lot of medicine that was going to make him really tired so that he wasn’t going to be able to do anything for a long time. “Don’t worry about me kids, you have nothing to worry about, I’ll be fine” he said. At the time, I was 11 or 12 and Reece was 6 or 7. As you can imagine, we thought he meant that he had a flu or something. We were worried but not to the extent that we should have been. But what can I say, we were kids. We didn’t know how cruel the world could be.

Well, opa was defintely not fine. Shortly after that he stayed in the hospital. We visited quite frequently. He showed me the button on his bed that he nicknamed the “happy” button that would take all his pain away (looking back at it now I see that it was heavy pain mediations). Nothing seemed wrong with him during that time; he flirted with the nurses and laughed his booming laugh that echoed through the hallways… He looked happy and healthy. But of course, time tells a different story. He got worse and worse. The more time went on the more we found him fast asleep in his hospital bed for hours when we came to visit. His body get thinner and thinner. The best word to describe him was “frail.” It got to the point where the medicine was doing more harm than good, and it was time to let him live out the rest of his days in the comfort of his own home. For a very long time, my oma was his house nurse. He took up a permanent position on the couch, wrapped up in blankets. Some days were better than others. One day he would just stare at the wall in front of him like an empty shell of a man. Other days he would be up for talking and act somewhat normal. It was so hard to watch him lose his vibrant personality and watch him turn into the person I never thought he would be. By the very end of his life, he wasn’t even himself anymore. The cancer had completely taken over him. The thought alone could send me to tears.

I was woken up one morning by my mom. That never happened, it was ALWAYS my dad to wake me up if for some reason I needed to be woken up. I opened my eyes and there my mom was, face red, in tears, sitting on the edge of my bed. My stomach sank. I knew what had happened. “Honey, opa passed away last night.” Thats all she had to say. I turned my face into my pillow and screamed. The world closed in around me and all I could think of is that I would never hear his laugh again or lay on the couch with him under his special blanket… or hug his big beer belly again. We all knew this day was going to come. It was no surprise. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I waited until my mom left the room and then ran to my window and looked up at the sky. I just remember hoping with everything that I had that there is a heaven.

My opa was as good as they come. I know everyone says that about the deceased that they love, but I really do mean that about my opa. He served our military for 15 years. He made a life for himself and took care of my oma better than anyone else could have. He made everyone around him feel special and loved. I don’t think he had a single enemy in his life; in fact, I don’t thick that anyone who knew him knew him by anything less than a friend. By being alive, my opa made the world a better place, and no one can deny that. His funeral was huge. So many people showed up to pay respects to him that day. There were people who came from all across the country just to wish him farewell. Half of the people there I didn’t even recognize. I can’t explain to you what the funeral was, nor do I want to. That day was so intimate that i can’t even think about it without crying. But there is one moment that I relive every single time I think about that day…

Im sitting in the second row, facing the table where his yearn was placed. There are three decorated military men on each side of the table- all 6 of them were his friends, but one in particular was his best friend. As they lifted the box with the yearn into the ground the men lifted their hands to their foreheads, saluting him… and his best friend is breaking down. His jaw is shaking, tears are running down his face like rivers, and you could tell his knees were weak. This was the same man that escorted my opas body to the morgue right after he passed because he said my opa deserved to be looked after. The man that wouldn’t leave my omas side unless she asked him to. The man that was the best friend a man could ever ask to my opa. And as my opa entered the ground, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Thats the image I have of the worst day of my life.

I don’t know love

Dear future baby,

I write to you from my blog that holds all my deepest feelings, concerns, love, fear, and anything else you could possibly imagine. Here I write about all the pain that I experience in my life… but also all the pleasure. Pleasure being your dad, your grandparents, school, friends, my animals that I’m sure you’ll hear a lot about. These are all people and things that make me who I am and keep me drive to get past all the pain (which is a list shorter than the pleasure list, may I add). But another thing that makes me who I am, which only the people who are closest to me know, is that nothing gives me more pleasure than the thought of being your mom.

Don’t get ahead of me- I’m only 19. I’m a freshman in college. I have a lot to do before I get in the place in my life where I am stable and secure enough to have children. But for as long as I can remember, motherhood has always called to me and its what I’ve yearned for the most. Growing up, I played with baby dolls and made believe with Oma that I owned my own home and had a family that I had built. It was my go-to game. The older I got the more that my mom, your grandma, taught me what it meant to be a woman. She did not define womanhood as being a part of motherhood. She told me that women do not reply on men. We should be able to take care of ourselves if need be and be strong and independent. We should not allow for anyone to push us around- if we want to be a CEO, we will be a CEO. If we want to work at an engineer, so be it! To say the least, my mom is a feminist, and she raised a feminist. She instilled these beliefs in me and I couldn’t be more grateful. As soon as i got old enough to create goals and have ambitions I started making big plans for my future…. Get a masters degree in a field that I love, find a man that i love, get a high paying job that I enjoy doing so that I will always be able to take care of myself and those around me, and build a family. Motherhood should come after the important things in life that you have to do as an individual- school and job and marriage. When people ask me what I want to do with my life I have a non hesitant answer: Go to school, get a job, and live happily ever after. People prioritize achievement in a certain order, kids being last on the list of things to accomplish. But as I sit here writing this, the only thing I yearn for is motherhood.

I don’t know why but with each passing year the want to have kids grows stronger and stronger. Why is this happening to me? I’m so young. Yet every time i see a baby I just want to bawl because i can’t help but think of the love I will have for my child someday. I know this is all very dramatic and you’re probably rolling your eyes at me, but its true. I want to finish college… I want to have a job… I want to have a husband and a house and savings before I have you so when I do I can be the best caregiver possible and give you the life you deserve and more. But its all so far away. Too far away.

This is all stemming from a video I just watched online. It was a clip from the “Ellen Degenerous Show” of a interview Ellen was doing with Mila Kunis (one of my favorite actresses- she’s from the show “That 70s show”) who has just had her baby Wyatt Isabelle. She was descrying the love she has for her baby… she said “You think you know love. But the truest meaning of unconditional love is my child. I thought I loved Ashton, I thought I loved my parents, my dogs, I was like ‘I know love.’ … It’s just in a whole other field. If she murdered somebody in cold blood, I would love her.” And this filled my heart. I sat there after the clip was over and just thought about how excited I am to be your mom. To have you fill my stomach for 9 months as I help you grow. I live with you day in and day out while you, a creation of me and your father, grow so rapidly into something absolutely beautiful. Most women feel fat and unattractive while pregnant, but I think that I will feel the most beautiful I will ever feel in my entire life. I wonder what cravings you will give me? Will you be a kicker? I hope so. The pregnancy alone excites me, but then I think about after birth. Holding you in my arms. Looking at your dad holding you in his. Having your grandparents there taking a ridiculous amount of pictures. Then taking you home to a spectacular room that your father and I have decked out for your arrival (painted using unleaded paint for your safety of course). I day dream about this all the time. This maybe super weird and a bit freaky but thats the beauty of this blog- I don’t have to care about what other people think. I’m 19 years young with my whole life ahead of me and all I want to do is help you start yours. Maybe i was just born with too much maturity for my age. I’ve always been a couple years ahead of everyone else. My human development class I’m taking right now isn’t helping- its all about raising a child. I even have a virtual child online that I have to raise. People find this class boring, a waste of time and an easy A… but I find myself entranced with the abundant information they have out there about the whole process. I just can’t help but think that someday your father and I are going to be the best parents that have ever walked the planet. In turn, you will be the best child this world has ever been graced with.

I don’t know you yet. I don’t know when I’ll know you. But all i know is that I don’t know love as I am right now, and I will not know love until you’re in my arms. I will wait for that day so patiently (which is a big deal considering I’m the most impatient person ever) and count the days. Until then, I will sometimes write to you on here. Maybe someday you’ll even read my letters to you. Hopefully it doesn’t freak you out too much when you read them.

I love you sweetie.

Mom