“I’m doing this to get over my own mind. This has nothing to do with you. I love you and it has nothing to do with me not loving you.”
Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned by someone you thought you would never have to live without? Its a fear I’ve had ever since I can remember. I’ve worried about my friends leaving, my family leaving, and, especially, Sam leaving me. For 4 years he has been by my side and loved me harder than anyone else ever has. He is the only person I truly believe would never hurt me intentionally. But if you know me you know that i come with a whole lotta baggage. 19 years worth and issues. Doctor visits, therapists, spiraling depression- and thats only half of it. I thought I was blessed with a miracle that was Sam Davis. To be frank he’s one of the only reasons I believe there is a God. God sent him to me to keep me alive and healthy and loved. And for almost four years he has been doing just that. Yes, we’ve had our hiccups. But never anything that lasted more than a day. We pride ourselves on having the kind of relationship where communication is the least of our worries. We’re the super couple- the couple that knows how to do a relationship right. But even the best of couples can withstand doubtful minds.
Being a couple thats been together through high school and now into college isn’t the easiest of all things. Where people had time to be single and get to know themselves, we were spending snuggling, going out to dinner and laughing about our future together. I was so happy to be in a committed relationship… Sam treats me like I’m a princess. I have what every girl wants. But college can do weird things to your mind. One day your living under your parents roof and have little to no responsibilities. The next day your on your own with a million and one responsibilities. You have to make yourself get up for school, you have to decide how late you can stay up, and you have to remember to eat, do your laundry, dishes, vacuum… the list goes on. On top of all that, keeping a relationship when you have to learn how to be independent is hard. College is about finding yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to be in ten years? Let me tell you, when you’ve been answering all those questions for years with your boyfriend in every single answer, its hard to picture any other future. Now we’re here, surrounded by people doing just that (finding themselves) and neither one of us can help but wonder who we would be without each other. Would I be a different person? Would he? Would we be better or worse off without each other? These are questions every couple in college asks themselves. That is completely normal… even healthy. But doubt is when things get sticky. See, I’ve had things questions in my head and have brought them up to Sam every single time (cause we’re excellent at communicating, right?) and have talked it out every single time. I would never leave Sam. I am more independent with him than I would be without him (look up the dependency paradox if you think this is an odd statement). I thrive with him by my side. The thought of him not being in my life is way worse than anything. However, I may be alone in this way of thinking.
Today was just like any normal day with us. Tonight we went to the Cougar basketball game together and it was a good time. We walked to the cafe to get some food before heading up to my room to watch Tarzan like we had planned earlier. All was well! We were snuggling and laughing and having a good time… and then all of the sudden he asks me if I’ve ever thought about what life would be like if we weren’t together and if I’ve ever thought about taking a break from our relationship. WHOOOAAA. That came out of no where. For the next hour we sat on my bed discussing how he felt. I cried the entire time. There was a steady stream of tears running down my face as I clutched the bear he gave me for valentines day. Was he breaking up with me? I didn’t understand. Just an hour ago we were happy. At least I was.
He says he wants a break. At least three weeks. My world is spinning and I don’t even remember a lot of what he said. He just kept on saying he didn’t want to hurt me, that this has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with his doubtful mind. I could tell this wasn’t an easy decision for him to make. So I tell him, “I’m going to be hurt by this. But if this is what you want and is going to ease your mind I will do it for you.” He leaves, and I’m curled up in a ball on my bed, bawling my eyes out. Then I can’t breathe. I’m standing, pacing around my room, hyperventilating and trying to decide what to do next. Suddenly he’s back through the door and holding me as I sob into his chest and his face is buried in my head. “I don’t know how I thought I could do it for three weeks when I can’t even make it two hours without you.” At this point I’m feeling two things: Relieved and pissed as hell. I’ve never been so happy to have him come back in my life, but I was pissed at him for putting me through this for nothing. And then I think to myself, I swear to God if he has just come back to put me through this again I’m not going to be happy. So I say that. I tell him that he needs to make up his damn mind before I lose mine. So he does. He tells me that he just wants a week now. Just a week. Not three. Not a month. Just a week. He says,”I’m doing this to get over my own mind. This has nothing to do with you. I love you and it has nothing to do with me not loving you. Talk to you in a week.” And leaves again. I stand there for a bit, shocked that he did in fact do it to me again… sit down and start bawling again, but this time was different. This was an angry cry. How could he do this to me TWICE? Give me hope just to take it away again. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing- that I will learn something about myself from all of this- but nothing ever seems good when Sam isn’t in my life.
This may seem so silly to anyone else. A week? Whats a week compared to years? Its not the week I’m worried about, its what happens after the week is over. I’m terrified he’s going to want more time. Then more time. And more and more time until he finally decides that he’s better off without me. After all, I’m the needy one in this relationship. He’s always the one taking care of me. What if he finds out that he would prefer not to have someone hold him down anymore. The reason this is so upsetting is because it feels like I’ve always, in the back of my mind, been waiting for him to realize he doesnt need me and this relationship isn’t worth it. It makes sense. I’m a lot of work.
So here I am… writing down my feelings because its the only way to keep me sane. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m lost. But I can tell you one thing- I will not be the one to give in first. I will not call him, text him, or show up at his place. If this is what he wants than he’s going to fucking get it. I hope whatever he gets from this is worth all the pain he’s putting me through.