I don’t know love

Dear future baby,

I write to you from my blog that holds all my deepest feelings, concerns, love, fear, and anything else you could possibly imagine. Here I write about all the pain that I experience in my life… but also all the pleasure. Pleasure being your dad, your grandparents, school, friends, my animals that I’m sure you’ll hear a lot about. These are all people and things that make me who I am and keep me drive to get past all the pain (which is a list shorter than the pleasure list, may I add). But another thing that makes me who I am, which only the people who are closest to me know, is that nothing gives me more pleasure than the thought of being your mom.

Don’t get ahead of me- I’m only 19. I’m a freshman in college. I have a lot to do before I get in the place in my life where I am stable and secure enough to have children. But for as long as I can remember, motherhood has always called to me and its what I’ve yearned for the most. Growing up, I played with baby dolls and made believe with Oma that I owned my own home and had a family that I had built. It was my go-to game. The older I got the more that my mom, your grandma, taught me what it meant to be a woman. She did not define womanhood as being a part of motherhood. She told me that women do not reply on men. We should be able to take care of ourselves if need be and be strong and independent. We should not allow for anyone to push us around- if we want to be a CEO, we will be a CEO. If we want to work at an engineer, so be it! To say the least, my mom is a feminist, and she raised a feminist. She instilled these beliefs in me and I couldn’t be more grateful. As soon as i got old enough to create goals and have ambitions I started making big plans for my future…. Get a masters degree in a field that I love, find a man that i love, get a high paying job that I enjoy doing so that I will always be able to take care of myself and those around me, and build a family. Motherhood should come after the important things in life that you have to do as an individual- school and job and marriage. When people ask me what I want to do with my life I have a non hesitant answer: Go to school, get a job, and live happily ever after. People prioritize achievement in a certain order, kids being last on the list of things to accomplish. But as I sit here writing this, the only thing I yearn for is motherhood.

I don’t know why but with each passing year the want to have kids grows stronger and stronger. Why is this happening to me? I’m so young. Yet every time i see a baby I just want to bawl because i can’t help but think of the love I will have for my child someday. I know this is all very dramatic and you’re probably rolling your eyes at me, but its true. I want to finish college… I want to have a job… I want to have a husband and a house and savings before I have you so when I do I can be the best caregiver possible and give you the life you deserve and more. But its all so far away. Too far away.

This is all stemming from a video I just watched online. It was a clip from the “Ellen Degenerous Show” of a interview Ellen was doing with Mila Kunis (one of my favorite actresses- she’s from the show “That 70s show”) who has just had her baby Wyatt Isabelle. She was descrying the love she has for her baby… she said “You think you know love. But the truest meaning of unconditional love is my child. I thought I loved Ashton, I thought I loved my parents, my dogs, I was like ‘I know love.’ … It’s just in a whole other field. If she murdered somebody in cold blood, I would love her.” And this filled my heart. I sat there after the clip was over and just thought about how excited I am to be your mom. To have you fill my stomach for 9 months as I help you grow. I live with you day in and day out while you, a creation of me and your father, grow so rapidly into something absolutely beautiful. Most women feel fat and unattractive while pregnant, but I think that I will feel the most beautiful I will ever feel in my entire life. I wonder what cravings you will give me? Will you be a kicker? I hope so. The pregnancy alone excites me, but then I think about after birth. Holding you in my arms. Looking at your dad holding you in his. Having your grandparents there taking a ridiculous amount of pictures. Then taking you home to a spectacular room that your father and I have decked out for your arrival (painted using unleaded paint for your safety of course). I day dream about this all the time. This maybe super weird and a bit freaky but thats the beauty of this blog- I don’t have to care about what other people think. I’m 19 years young with my whole life ahead of me and all I want to do is help you start yours. Maybe i was just born with too much maturity for my age. I’ve always been a couple years ahead of everyone else. My human development class I’m taking right now isn’t helping- its all about raising a child. I even have a virtual child online that I have to raise. People find this class boring, a waste of time and an easy A… but I find myself entranced with the abundant information they have out there about the whole process. I just can’t help but think that someday your father and I are going to be the best parents that have ever walked the planet. In turn, you will be the best child this world has ever been graced with.

I don’t know you yet. I don’t know when I’ll know you. But all i know is that I don’t know love as I am right now, and I will not know love until you’re in my arms. I will wait for that day so patiently (which is a big deal considering I’m the most impatient person ever) and count the days. Until then, I will sometimes write to you on here. Maybe someday you’ll even read my letters to you. Hopefully it doesn’t freak you out too much when you read them.

I love you sweetie.



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