A couple days ago a wrote a post about the title of my blog that revealed my physical illnesses. You probably came to the conclusion that I’ a seriously messed up human being- and you are right, but in the best way possible. However, i have a plot twist for you… I was wrong about my diagnoses. Except technically the doctors were. When I came back home for thanksgiving break I went to see my doctor to get muscle relaxers for my fibromyalgia. My doctor prescribe them to me but also asked if she could run some more tests. Sure, I thought nonchalantly, why not? Whats one more test going to do? Little did I know the answer to that question was: change my life forever. I went back to school with my pain meds and continued on with my education. My birthday rolled around. I was fortunate enough to have my birthday during dead week (super sarcasm) and then finals week proceeded. Now I am home once again. Today my mom revealed to me that on my birthday my doctor called my mom and told her that I am now diagnosed with Lupus. What they thought was fibromyalgia and just weird cases of illnesses scattered in was actually a chronic autoimmune disease.
In other words? My body is destroying itself.
if it wasn’t so depressing, it would kind of be comical… of course its worse than we thought, I mean I am Lacey after all. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. Apparently Lupus gets mistaken for fibromyalgia all the time because it feels the same. It really does fit better with whats been happening to me lately though… I get pouring headaches every day, I have aches all of my body and joint pain, and I am constantly sick. Yes, it does make sense. I should feel a sense of relief like I did when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia right? Wrong. I feel the exact opposite this time.
When my mom first told me my heart sank and I didn’t even know why- I had no idea what lupus was, but somehow I knew it wasn’t going to be any better than I currently had it. I immediately did some research and didn’t like what I found. Lupus can majorly fuck you up. We’re talking kidney damage, bone tissue death, increased risk of cancer, lung disease and heart disease, the list is endless. To be honest I can handle all of that. I don’t mean to be smug when I say I have become a pretty strong person over the years with everything I’ve gone through. This is just another food item of the Lacey dinner plate. But there is one thing I cannot deal with for the life of me- problems with my future pregnancy. You see, ever since I was a young girl I knew I was going to be a mom. Kids were always in the cards for me and there was never any doubt that I was going to have that someday. Its not that I just wanted to be a trophy wife and stay home while my “man” makes the money (which makes me sick just to type), I wanted to grow a living human inside of me and create a miracle. Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing. I can’t imagine anything being more rewarding than being a mother. Its the only thing I have known was going to be in my future since I was old enough to think about my future. Lupus comes with a lot of pregnancy issues such as increased chance of miscarriage and preterm birth. Meaning that my body is going to think my baby is some sort of disease and try to destroy it. My body is going to try to kill my baby. There are no words to describe the deep pain I felt when I discovered that having a baby won’t be as easy as I think it will be. I don’t know what I would do if I lost a child before I could even give birth to it. I can handle most things, but I don’t know how I would be able to handle losing a child.
I have been diagnosed with a lot of things in my life and have been sad, frustrated and even angry… but with this diagnosis I have felt something that I have never felt after a diagnosis before- fear. I’m so intensely scared for the future living with this disease. I just have such a bad feeling about this that i can’t shake. Everyone keeps telling me that its manageable and not life threatening… but they’re wrong, it is a life threatening disease because it could give me any other sort of illness, and i will never know what I will have to deal with next, including the birth of my child whenever that will be. “It will all be ok” seems to be the line of the day, but I don’t want ok. I want outstanding. But its hard to be outstanding when you have a disease that has no cure. For now I wait patiently for my next doctors appointment to run more tests so I will know where I am on the spectrum of pain. Who knows, maybe they’ll tell me that this is as bad as its going to get. Wouldn’t that be something. I’m never that lucky though.